Sunshine and Tears

Blue skies and hope........

The big kids left just a couple of hours ago and boy was I upset, we both were. I'm not usually a terribly clingy mum and generally love that they live their own sweet lives, their way, this time was so much harder. I miss my family.

Still, we've had a ball this last weekend, even though the weather was up and down really. Of course as they head off back to the UK the sun had to settle in nicely for the week ahead. Sods law!

My son's headed back to UK for just a few days, then Norway skiing, then back to Saudi. He's such a chip off the old block with work and travel. His dad was just the same.

Anyway, I really enjoyed my Mother's Day mixed in with my son's 35th birthday, but today I feel the miles between us and the reality of ageing. It all goes way too fast and we are on the wrong side of 50 now, hurtling towards 60 in too few years! I've really started to feel that egg timer speeding up a little. Make hay whilst the sun shines and all that eh!

Of course many of you know, I lost my mum in December and this was my first Mother’s Day without her. Lot's of firsts! First Christmas, then her birthday and now Mother’s Day . It felt odd not having that anchor, not being able to send her a bunch of flowers from wherever I am in the world, as is the habit. We had a difficult relationship, her and I, but of course we loved each other in our own way I suppose. It would seem I am now the matriarch of my family in many ways and it's not lost on me, what a huge responsibility that is. Living abroad of course makes being present very difficult and I'm so aware of it. We all have to be willing to make the effort to travel to each other for high days and holidays wherever the globe spins, I guess. I truly get the pull home, I do.

Also, no one really talks about the strain on a marriage, not seeing family causes or the emotional drain of a renovation abroad. We feel like survivors, barely. I often think it would have been easier, had I wanted to be here but I didn't. Renovating in France has not been in the least romantic! I resent all the money spent on this house, thats the truth. I don't think we needed the challenge and if we did, then maybe just a cosmetic upgrade would have suited us better. So we really needed that family visit to re ground us and they arrived just in time bless em. All we've had is each other for company for too long.

We are now in a little void of 'wait and see', will we stay or will we fly off on one last adventure, maybe never to return?. My want is to sell, he'd rather rent it out as a holiday let. I can only believe it will be a lot of work and financially pointless. Yes, this would work as a b&b with scope to make even bigger as per the plans, but it's a no from me at this time. Personally, I would rather cut our losses and our ties here now, if pushed, possibly buy something with cash further south to work on, one day when we have time or quit France altogether. As it stands, we don't know where we will be for his work in the next few months, so the reality is that we can't make informed decisions. We just wait. One thing is for sure, someone will buy this house and love it in the way its supposed to be loved.

Philip is working on finishing off the deck rails today, the coach house cladding and tidying the garden. Then we need to snag the house, finish some jobs and tidy the newly decorated room on the top floor. After that, theres the storage to sort out, so that if we do move, it's not going to be a huge task to do at the last minute. I need to go and get the paint to paint the garage doors but first find the power washer out. Also we need a platform building to finish painting the front door it's so high! There's a lot to do but I'm really not in the mood today if I'm totally honest.

I know we've brought the house up from dust and rubble to its current, 97% done state and whilst I'm proud of the achievement, I'm also a tad exhausted by it all, certainly ready for a break in the endless lists of stuff to do. It's been nice to ignore that list for a few days and have a relaxing few days with my son and his wife. I still can't believe he's 35! Don't blink!

Watson had some socialisation out and about and he really is too reactive towards other dogs, not people thank goodness. He's a lovely boy, much loved but does require a lot of training and exercise, so Philip is now running him in the day, that way they are both getting their exercise. I think, if I can find a way, he should be socialised with other dogs weekly and trained professionally very soon. I do know what caused his fear of other dogs, it was that time at Balmoral, when a dog off the lead bit him. He was only a pup, bless him, never the same since, although vets have told me he's born a nervous dog. He's not aggressive, he's just frightened. He's so relaxed right now on my knee (his favourite place) and is obviously spent from the weekend excitement. I also think it will be easier to get a routine with him as this reno comes to an end.

There is also a lot of building work going on just outside the walls of the house, new drains and improved drinking water. I've never seen craters the like! It's like they are working in our cellar, they are digging trenches that close to us and the noise is finally getting to me, it's been every day for weeks already. I know it's a huge job and the house benefits, but sitting on the new deck enjoying a few rays is nigh on impossible right now. I really hope they finish very soon! I'm so craving peace and quiet, not hearing the dulcet tones of machinery and tools for a good while.

We've been in a rush to finish this house, yes, I know and it made sense. However I think slow renovating with time to spare would have been probably better in the long run. We aren't retired so we don't have that option. Also, I would hazard a guess that 'forever home' renovating is far more enjoyable?

We've definitely lost money on this project from a couple of years or so ago, due to poor workmanship or being charged for little or no work. I have to be careful not to include the incumbant team in this nonsense of course. Wasn't them. We did get there eventually as you do. learning how contractors work and behave. We are also to blame of course as we weren't here in the beginning and so workers found it easy to hoodwink us. We had a wild guess at a 50k loss the other day, ouch. A lot of the cost is down to having to have things done more than once. Anyway, there's no doubt his house has kicked our arses big time and emptied our pockets way too quickly, I'd be reluctant to do it again frankly.

It's not all negative though, I've really enjoyed chosing the pretties and seeing the reaction online and in person. We've had a few stranger visits lately and loved the feedback. I think its easy to forget how far we've come and what we've achieved.

Right! Back to the task of getting the washing done, out and dried whilst the sun has got its hat on!

D x